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.. and night turns into day ...
Dear 20sixers,
This is unfair. I have happily engaged adapting to the change or working the night time shift (which I totally love) and now I must go thru a 2 day gruelling Neuro Course tomorrow and Friday, from 8:20 am to 5:00 pm! This is the times that I am asleep! I do not know how I will manage to stay awake thru this boring course .. but .. we will see. I shall wear a hat and keep it on and wear some dark glasses just in case ;o) It is now almost 3:30 in the morning and I just have to force myself to sleep so that I can wake up in 4 hours to get ready. Aughghghghhg. C'est la vie!
You all have a great day and great night .. in whatever part of the hemisphere you live in.
To help me fall asleep I asked Amegrito if he would join me with some rose wine and chocolate truffles. This really is a surprise for him as the wine and truffles are both imported from France! It is so nice to have him back safe.
lol... I hope I DO wake up in 4 hours! lol ...... *hiccup*
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2.12.04 10:36
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An Email Connection
The email:
"Hi DF,
I read your comment on my blog today and I was reading yours after that. The thing is, the more I read what you write the more I was to know more about you and talk to you. Sometimes when I read what you post it is like reading about me, do you understand? Then I go and read 'the more about me' section and I find similarities as well. And when I read (again)
about you living with C... Oh well, I thought I had to write to you so here I am. May I ask how old C is? ........... "
The email reply:
Dear friend,
One of the greatest things in life .. and about consciously trying to make it REAL and TRUE for us is that of finding the most fascinating of connections with people .. along the way. Be it a slight conversation with a stranger while standing waiting for a bus, a long distance call from a dear friend you have not seen in years .. or from someone who apparently has really nothing to do with your life .. and yet, you feel such a strange connection that you allow yourself to act on some kind of intuitive level .. from an area of your spirit that you are or are not so yet familiar with.
I appreciate your email very much.
When I came across your site months ago I too felt a connection .. some obscure one that I could not place a finger on so I made sure to bookmark your site and check on you once in awhile. It seems to me as if in some strange way .. we seem to be living parallel paths, of some sort. Spiritual, that is.
I am 40 years old. "C" just turned 28.
I am divorced to a man that I fell in love with when I was only 14 years old, on the second day of highschool during my second period French Class. To make along story short, we started dating after high school when I was 18. Broke up at age 23. Got together during his birthday the following year (as friends only), had intercourse that night - and hence got pregnant. Being still in the '80's of course, we decided to get married ( I can thank my strict Roman Catholic upbringing for that! ). We only lasted just over 2 years - then we separated, it was my idea, my choice. During our marriage we had 2 sons born 11 months apart. Julian Francis was born March 3 1989 and Jordan Michael on Feb 19, 1990. Jordan passed away before his 5th month birthday. He was a premie of 25 weeks. It was okay. Perhaps a Blessing in many ways when I look back at it. Julian is now 15 years old. Has lived with his Dad since we separated when he just turned 2. Although I have not played a large part in Julian's formative years, we have somehow become extremely close as he had started having his own email address and thanks to MSN Messenger, we continue to have many loving, friendly and sharing conversations.
I am telling you all this for a reason. The reason is this. I had planned my life out meticulously when I was in my late teens and also in my early 20's. I got most of what I had THOUGHT I wanted .. and then some .. and realized that most of what I had really WANTED, I was not ready for i.e. marriage and children. I am not ashamed to admit this because this is one of the known TRUTHS that I have had to come to learn about myself - though painful as it may be. But I have accepted the choices I have taken and their consequences.
I had 2 serious relationships shortly after my marriage. One was to a man younger than me ( 7 years my junior ) in where we were together for 5 years, and lived together for 3. We parted in a weird way. He, wanting to pursue an acting career .. and me, knowing it would not be in our best interest to hold him back. He left .. thinking he would return and we would get married, but the more mature me already knew in my heart that his 'leaving' meant that it was time for both of us to move on .. and that whatever reason we had for being together .. well, that reason's purpose was already fulfilled. Do you understand what I mean by this?
Shortly after Mark embarked on an acting career ( and we were still considered TOGETHER at this time ) I met my Twin Soul Mate, John. It was the most uncanny thing. He was my direct twin but in a male version. He liked what I liked, even his apartment was set up like mine. We had the same idiosyncratic behaviour .. like I said, it was uncanny. There was one night when I had a revelation. It started with John and I sitting on the futon of my basement apartment ( that I had shared with Mark for 3 years ). John and I were talking about things .. and it came to a part where we had embraced for the first time. I think we were just dating for the first 2 weeks. As soon as I felt his arms around me, I began to cry .. cry with a passion from an existence that I knew not where from .. but I knew it was REAL. I did not know it at the time. . but during my cry .. I had yelled out, "Please, Please, don't leave me ever again .. !" This was such a critical point in John's and my relationship together.... to come to the realization that the idea of SOULMATES DOES exist .. and that we were so lucky to have found one another .. and the way we found one another .. is as strange and mysterious as this very John and digital_femme story. ( but that warrants its' own blog entry )
John and I became serious .. and during that time, he had mentioned to me about why I was not working as a nurse. I had graduated with a nursing diploma but in fact chose to work in advertising. I told him that I did not want to be a nurse and that it was for my parents that I did it. Later he kept mentioning to me that one of the greatest services a human being can do to serve God was "nursing" .. 'the taking care of people'. I had agreed, but so what ...
Later that month my aunt came up from Texas and to shorten this story, I had the opportunity to take a 2 year contract in nursing in McAllen, Texas, 5 minutes from the border of Mexcio. I talked this over with John .. and we both agreed that I would do this, he would follow me, and then we would marry in a town just outside of Paris, France, where his sister lived ( after my 2 year nursing contract was over ). I agreed to do this for the money .. and for that knowingly lovely wedding in a little town outside of France. What girl could resist such an offer!
When I arrived in McAllen, John had broken up with me 2 months later. I felt abandoned by my twin soulmate. . and I even thought that the idea of a soul mate was false. How could your very own soulmate abandon you!?
So there I was, in a country I did not want to be in, and in a state that I did not want to live in, working in a job that I certainly did not want to do .. all alone, without my friends, my family, and my beloved Toronto ...
During these two years, well .... it was incredible. I had been given a power so great .. that I actually called John up 4 years later to thank him for pushing me to go to Texas to take up the nursing contract! He laughed, I laughed, we wished each other well .. and the funny thing was, we still felt that connection. We still believed that we were twin soul mates!
Let me tell you about the power that I had been given. That my twin soul mate had helped me find!
First of all, the Power was given to me, by me! It was the knowlege that even when I felt alone, I was not really alone. It was the knowledge and comfort in knowing that I could be my own best friend, my own best companion and that no matter who entered my life, or who I had seemed to have lost in my life .. was not a matter of importance .. as long as I knew where I was, who I was and WHY I was.
I call this revelation of my life the, "Alone'ness" is empowering" stage.
This was the stage at 32 years of age when I felt I did not need a man, I did not need to be in a relationship .. I did not need to be in a clique of friends etc .. I was so comfortable in my own skin. I was so comfortable in my own mind. I felt that I had already lived thru my share of heartaches, and great relationships and broken ones. I had felt that I had already served my experience of giving birth thru normal vaginal delivery with only one hour of labor, no epidural, no episiotomy, no drugs and thru an emergency c-section. I felt I had been given the experience of burrying your own child, that of divorce and that of the pain of a mother who's son was not with her. Of failed dreams, of great joy .. you get my drift .. what more did I need?
Then, lol. . and this is the part that humbles me most! Then, when I look back I realized that I still had a lot to learn and the universe was NOT going to allow me to rest and breeze thru the rest of my life.
That was when I met "C" .. and fuckin shit .. of all things ... had fallen in love! Damn it!
I resisted for the longest time. Not so much because he was 13 years my junior or the fact that we came from very different backgrounds and cultures, but I resisted because I felt that falling in love was a sign of weakness! Lol ... and that my dear friend was one of my major flaws!
I was so capable of loving and falling in love and blah blah blah .. but the one thing I was not capable of was accepting love!
It is now 6 years later, almost 7, that "C" and I have been together .. and although he is 13 years my junior .. he is very much the stable and often wiser force in my life. He teaches me patience, which I totally lack. He operates in 'calm mode' where my only switch is set at 'frantic' and 'reverse'! Of course my years of experience and life experience outweighs C's by far .. but the one thing that I have had trouble being in peace with was ... with commitment to allow someone to get close to me and to love me. As long as I had the control of how much and when and where someone can love me .. I was okay .. but to learn to let go and release your life and your destiny to ... 'fate's plan' .. to trust in a Divine Intervention that whether or not you believe in .. it does exist .. it is there .. and you can fight it all you want but it'll just make for a longer journey in learning ...
Lol ... take comfort in knowing that when you find yourself in a place, or a situation or with a 'feeling' that is some what 'weird' .. know that it will be a great opportunity for learning .. and great advancement in 'the knowing of your being' .. and don't we all just want to know more about who we really are?
Go ahead, let go .. trust in what life allows into your life .. and sit back and enjoy the journey!
Everything DOES happen for a reason .. and it is not for us to know what that reason is. When you enjoy a delicious chocolate cake .. you only enjoy the moment of decadent pleasure that passes thru your tongue and tingles in your brain .. do you really need to know how much baking soda and what best type of flour was used?
Connected in Spirit,
digital_femme
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3.12.04 05:11
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DF's "On Being ... "
On being .. umm .. mature?
I completed the 2 day Neuro course - Yayness! and I wouldn't be operating on Femme (as in female) mode if I did not comment on the Fashion choices of a few of my compatriots!  ) Which leads me to think that I have either gotten more mature, more practical or just plain budget conscious! For example, the apparel choices for my 2 day event are as listed:
1. Pink flannel pajama bottoms underneath black microfibre wide-legged jogging pants ( it was cold )
2. Black wool socks with brown, flat, leather, very rounded toe, Sketcher slip-ons
3. Black long sleeve cotton top with 10 year old favourite mixed brown knitted bolero sweater
4. Mid thigh length dark navy "Emanuel Ungaro" brushed suede tailored coat ( so much for Designer Labels )
5. Burberry scarf.
Hairstyle: Ponytail on "wet-just got out of the shower-and towel dried my hair-while finger combing"
Make-up: Revlon's Cocoa lipstick (applied hurriedly prior to the start of class that got licked off while snacking on orange slices) and NYC's black/grey eyeshadow (applied with right index finger without a mirror PRIOR to eating my orange slices! - I am talented!)
My very fashionable compatriots seemed to have all called one another to arrange for a 'let's all wear the same look' day. For example:
1. All but 2 ( I was one ), wore 2 inch heels or more, and of those wearing heels, the heels were spiked with pointed toes! Ouchie? Alas, my Manolo's were too comfortable to wake up that early.
2. An array of very sexy/cutesy/Channel or other blouses, sweaters, t-shirts
3. Some donned light leather jackets or none at all ( they all drove )
4. Most seemed to have worn all if not most of their last years Christmas jewellery
Hairstyle(s): Hot roller set, teased and moused and gel'd and hairsprayed
Make-up: Full face armor look, as in 'war-paint' affect. )
As my observation came to a close, I couldn't help but feel ol..... um, mature! yeah, that's it! But who was I to comment. I could have looked just as fashionable as they did if I only got up 2-3 hours before to get ready, instead of getting up 60 minutes prior to getting ready in 15, make breakfast for C and I, run to the Metro Rail to catch the train and then walk for 10 minutes to make it on time .. phew. Just prior to the start of class I overheard a conversation, "I'm starving! Where is the nearest Starbuck's anyway ....?" I replied, "Oh, you just have to walk to the corner and pass St. Luke's on the other side of Fannin and 3 blocks up across the street is a Starbuck's!"
They all looked at me as if I was crazy. "It's only a 10 minute walk from here!" I added, smiling rather proudly for having perhaps saved their day. Then one girl commented, "Are you kidding! Not in these shoes!"
On being practical .....
During breaks I watched the auditorium empty as my compatriots headed out to get a coffee, chocolate bar, chips, diet soda, go for a smoke, etc .... I, on the other hand, reached down into my knapsack and pulled out a small assortment of more orange slices and organic cranberry juice in my traveller's drink container. With all the quick caffeine and sugar perks that surrounded me, I was almost sure to be amongst gabbing, restless course-takers, but I was quite amused to witness the sea of turned down or nodding off heads while my head still stayed erect, even though I spent most of the time day dreaming instead of actually paying attention to the Power Point slides.
On being budget conscious ....
We were given a 60 minute lunch! As all but 3 compatriots marched out of the room to hunt for food in the neighbouring Texas Medical Centre, I pulled out a small buffet of roasted red peppers, eggplant slices, and green, looking like a cucumber vegetable which for the life of me, I cannot remember its' damn name! - and started munching away on. For dessert, I had fresh strawberries, yummy. It didn't take me long to complete my little, humble meal. I spent the next 40 minutes listening to a Mozart CD via earphones while taking a semi nap.
All in all, however mature, practical or somewhat budget conscious I found myself to be, I was not exempt from the effects of the long drawn out, content-full, Neuro class. One hour into the afternoon and only 2 hours prior to dismissal, I found my head bobbing up and down and side to side just like the rest of my seemingly - now 'brain dead' compatriots. Lol ... it was as if each head was a note in Mozart's Requiem! At last! I finally fitted in with the crowd! D
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4.12.04 08:52
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I'm dreaming, Please don't wake me up!
Ever since I started working the nightshift, I've had more energy to spare, have been far less bitchier ( and I AM quite a bitch ), have eaten much more healthier, drink more water and liquids, have gotten at least 8 hours of sleep a day and have had the most fascinating dreams ever.
I don't understand it. It's as if my entire subconscious closet had suddenly opened up for Spring Cleaning or something. My dreams are more vivid and when I awake I can recollect them to the point of saying the whole dialogue out loud, remembering the colours - just about everything. And the weirdest thing is, I seem to retain the emotion that was experienced in the dream, longer .......
Just today, I had two dreams. One was about ME when I was a little girl. I followed myself thru school and home and was quite amused by the conversations I had started up. I was such a talkative little girl! I was also quite expressive. It was as if I used my arms and hands to express everything. I remember thinking in my dream, "what, could I have been Vanna White or something?"
The other dream consisted of me and a very good <i>male</i> friend. Yikes!
It was nice. It was pleasant. In the dream I was seeing my friend in a <i>different</i> way. In a romantic way .. in a sexual way ... Yikes! When I woke up I started to giggle. Then the giggle turned into complete laughter which turned into hysterics. I just had to call up my friend to tell him. He was in the middle of a meeting.
Friend: "Hello?"
DF: Hey, guess what we just did in my dream?
Friend: "Not now, I'm in a meeting ....."
DF: *laughing* "I didn't know you were THAT good!"
Friend: "Will you shut up! I'll call you later."
30 seconds later I receive a text message from him:
Friend text: "what the hell are you doing dreaming about me for?"
DF text: How the fuck should I know. You just popped up. What the hell were YOU doing in MY dream?!
Friend text: "So how good was I?"
DF text: I've had better.
Friend text: "Fuck off."
DF text: No YOU fuck off.
Friend text: "Apparently, I already did .. in your dream!"
DF text: blah blah blah .....
Friend text: BLAHHHHHH! to you. Aren't you supposed to be sleeping?
DF text: Yeah but I woke up from the dream.
Friend text: Stay awake
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6.12.04 23:50
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MIND over Matter ?????
If you are without a brain can your MIND still exist?
And what is a Brain but a sordid form of convoluted tissue where chemical and electrical exchanges take place ...
A mass of jelly like substance, Gray in matter and compact in weight and if it should fall, there would be a splatter of a grayish-pinkish-hue-like substance, similiar to a sculpture clay form I once dropped while still wet.
And what is the Mind but a vast expanse of space in consciousness, all seeing, all knowing, eternal without end and if I should loose it, will I not know of who I am, where I stand, if I even exist?
..... and can it ever be lost or misplaced?
Do you need a brain for a mind to exist?
Is this simply a means to an end?
Who's end?
The end of all suffering and egoic control. The end of emotional attachment and attachement otherwise, the end of a physical life as we now know it that leads to the beginning of a true experience in existence that supercedes all thought and thinking and use of imagination .... collective consciousness? Is there one?
Anyone?
DF goes sleepy now ... brain, mind ... they work like fuckin' robots dancing on a scratched LP, playing over and over and over again ... on little sleep. Night shift - good. Blogging 5 hours after night shift - bad. Very very very baaaaaadddd.
Brain turns to mush and mind is no where to be found.
*zzzzzzzzzzzzzz ............ * kerplunk
this entry was inspired by PeterJ's Mobile Message Blog Entry
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10.12.04 19:14
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Illusion of being ...
The last blog entry titled: MIND over Matter created such amazing thought provoking comments that I dared to allow this topic to continue. ) I started the entry with this once sentence. Packed with as much meaning and opportunity for tangential perceptions as there are snowflake designs. "If you are without a brain can your mind still exist?"All comments were absolutely interesting and allowed me to further realize that I was among some of the most open minded people I have ever met ... errr, not met .. but, well you know. No sooner than the sentence was posted was when 20sixers started to relate the very idea of MIND .. to SOUL .. then Consciousness. I took it upon myself to challenge our thoughts and beliefs ... more ... thus this entry is really a continuation of the comments that ensued. In her second comment, lexylexylalala shared with us one of her favourite poems, as she thought it fitted quite nicely with the topic. And, to which theSTEVEdaq replied: " That's a thought provoking poem Lexy. A description of how we could all be 'In his likeness'. There are parallels with science fiction too." Hmmmm, parallels ........ science fiction ....... Here is the poem. Illusion by Ella WilcoxGod and I in space alone
And nobody else in view
"And where are the people, O Lord" I said
"The earth below and the sky overhead
And the dead whom I once knew."
"That was a dream." God smiled and said
"A dream that seemed to be true
There were no people living or dead
There was no earth and no sky overhead
There was only myself and you."
"Why do I feel no fear" I said
"Meeting you here in this way
For I have sinned I know full well
And there is heaven and there is hell
And this is the judgement day?"
"Nay, those were dreams" the great god said
"Dreams that have ceased to beThere are no such things as fear or sin
There is no you-you have never been
There is nothing at all but me." In Eastern Philosophy, there has been mention that our MIND as we know it, is merely a conduit for our ego's. The ego's of fear, hate, pride, strength, ambition etc .... and it is thru the silencing of our MIND that we disintegrate the ego's that separate us from the TRUTH. And in this SILENCE, we will KNOW that from where we come and that of who we are. In these modern times, there is much struggle to find meaning and identity more so now than ever and people are faced with questions that arise in their life .. when they are ready to seek the answers too. Yet, it is too with these questions that the ego's play, for more questions leads to more chatter of the MIND .. thus ensuring the separation of that WHICH IS. And in this noise, we fail to hear, see and KNOW. The practice of meditation has been around for .... ever. The practice of silencing the MIND, coming to centre, the experience of NOTHING ..... NO THING. We regard our thoughts as WHO we are and use the way in which we conduct our MINDS with our BRAINS .. as measures of our success, importance, and intellect. There are those considered geniuses of our time, creators of medical, technological and social advancements, writers of books that start a wave of evolution in patterns of thinking ...... yet no one, not one as come close to finding the answer to .... What if there is no answer? What if all this is merely a dream? There is that possibility. If a dream .. then how do we awake? And when we awake .. what will we find? We awake by choosing not to use the MIND to react ... but using the intuitive to sense that which is not real. We awake by stepping out of the social, environmental, political, cultural influences whose standards and laws were created out of fear .. and the need for control and power. This is a most difficult task. But it is a task that is a part of our journey ... this task will lead is to knowing that which is essential and that which are merely dreams. Yes, I look around and everything is a dream to me. There is no ME, there is no YOU, there is no need to struggle to pay debt and seek for love and become recognized in my job as worthy, or seen by my family as respectable or good ... all that is nothing. There is ONLY LOVE. That which we ARE .. and there is no singular ME or YOU .. but ONE. There is great pain deeply embedded in humanity .. that mankind has created. The only way to heal is thru LOVE. I shall pass thru this lifetime .. and many more if I need to .. and there will be a time when I meet all of you .. and this conversation will not continue, there will no longer be questions or doubts. We will be at PEACE. For we have returned to our ONE. We will finally realize our HOME when we awake. There are no such things as fear or sin
There is no you-you have never been
There is nothing at all but me."
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14.12.04 16:54
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To MJinBaires with love ...
Amegrito meets MJinBaires .....
.... and he tells me, "I'm in love!" This meeting took place on Friday December 17th! *ahem ahem*
I tell the little Grito, "I believe that you sense love but you cannot be IN LOVE ... " He tells me otherwise.
I reminded him ... "Today is the day when MJinBaires is taking her first Reiki Attunement Class .. I think that you are merely connecting with her .. now that she is able to ......" The little Grito frowns .. but only it still looks like a smile .. (you have to be with a Grito long enough to know what is a frown underneath the smile), and he tells me, "Femme Machine, I AM in love."
Ah well ...Christmas has come early for this little Grito. Christmas .. or Valentines ......
Merry Christmas 20sixers! Hope your Holidays are as every bit memorable and full of love and laughter and essential moments of the heart! I miss you all and love you all. See you all in the New Year!!!!
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22.12.04 16:14
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